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I was cleaning my room in a panic because I couldn't find my spiffy Tax Info Forms from various financial and educational institutions, and neither could I find my outline for my class.
I found them both in a binder on my floor and had a flashback to a month or so ago when I cleverly thought "better not lose these, I'll put them in a safe place."
Maybe my hormones are all wacky, but I'm crabby and mood-swingy (more so than usual), and The Vegan showed up in my dreams last night for the first time in ages. Whaa? I think it's partly PMS, and partly that she represents running away. It seems very tempting right now, and hey! in a matter of weeks I am running away--and I'll be able to think about that once I have my fucking resume done and sent out.
Holly has found us scads of places, and I have too--now just to write to them. I think the combination of all of the things I have to do before mid-May (hell, before Monday), have me all worked up and freaked out--on top of everything else. Every time Holly and I talk it seems I shall have to leave closer and closer to May 11. As scary as it is to realize how close it's coming, I am a fan of doing everything in a whirlwind and leaving without looking back. When I left for school two years ago, I didn't do much goodbye saying (except with The Vegan the night before). As unhappy as I was to leave her behind, and as scared as I was to go, I didn't want to spend a lot of time saying goodbye-I felt I'd been preparing to leave for at least a year. Now it's even less appealing--I don't feel like I moved back, I still have stuff in storage at Smith. While I'm terrified that I won't get back in, I still think of it as home. I have no desire to be here, and while Smith doesn't have the sort of anchor of friends and family that Chicago does, I have used up my available resources here, I'm tired of it, and I want to build myself a life in Northampton. The prospect of losing Holly and not being at Smith is crippling, whereas I know that if I was at least at Smith, I would be somewhere that I want to be, doing what I want to do. That's a lot more than I can say right now. In a way being out there with her will make me feel so less dependent on her than I currently do. I think I need that, because right now I'm not positive of what else is making me go. I had such a strong sense of self and a strong sense of direction, and it's not gone, just hiding. I know that I'll get it back again, but I've been thrown for a loop and I feel like I'm scrambling to get it back together again.
On the upside, I got a new address book today, and Bill and I are going to the Tap tonight. W00t!
I found them both in a binder on my floor and had a flashback to a month or so ago when I cleverly thought "better not lose these, I'll put them in a safe place."
Maybe my hormones are all wacky, but I'm crabby and mood-swingy (more so than usual), and The Vegan showed up in my dreams last night for the first time in ages. Whaa? I think it's partly PMS, and partly that she represents running away. It seems very tempting right now, and hey! in a matter of weeks I am running away--and I'll be able to think about that once I have my fucking resume done and sent out.
Holly has found us scads of places, and I have too--now just to write to them. I think the combination of all of the things I have to do before mid-May (hell, before Monday), have me all worked up and freaked out--on top of everything else. Every time Holly and I talk it seems I shall have to leave closer and closer to May 11. As scary as it is to realize how close it's coming, I am a fan of doing everything in a whirlwind and leaving without looking back. When I left for school two years ago, I didn't do much goodbye saying (except with The Vegan the night before). As unhappy as I was to leave her behind, and as scared as I was to go, I didn't want to spend a lot of time saying goodbye-I felt I'd been preparing to leave for at least a year. Now it's even less appealing--I don't feel like I moved back, I still have stuff in storage at Smith. While I'm terrified that I won't get back in, I still think of it as home. I have no desire to be here, and while Smith doesn't have the sort of anchor of friends and family that Chicago does, I have used up my available resources here, I'm tired of it, and I want to build myself a life in Northampton. The prospect of losing Holly and not being at Smith is crippling, whereas I know that if I was at least at Smith, I would be somewhere that I want to be, doing what I want to do. That's a lot more than I can say right now. In a way being out there with her will make me feel so less dependent on her than I currently do. I think I need that, because right now I'm not positive of what else is making me go. I had such a strong sense of self and a strong sense of direction, and it's not gone, just hiding. I know that I'll get it back again, but I've been thrown for a loop and I feel like I'm scrambling to get it back together again.
On the upside, I got a new address book today, and Bill and I are going to the Tap tonight. W00t!
