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Sweet! Free two weeks of livejournal!

Also, I'm wearing a new-to-me sweater and a legitimately new shirt and only mildly scolding myself for enjoying new things so much. As soon as my evil high-test coffee brews, I'm off to enjoy having a car way too much.

I'm in that interesting place where I'm still not so big on the thought of anyone but the engineer, but I'm feeling relief to be done with trying to fix something that just couldn't be. It's like I suddenly have all this new head space, and granted, I'm using it to think about my room arrangement and what to do with the windows, but for so long I didn't have the energy for such things. It's quite nice. I'll be glad when I'm done with the unexpected flashes of irrational anger and waves of regret, but so far so good. Maybe it's weird, but I've come to think of break ups as like surgical procedures or having a bone set. Horribly painful and gross and it may really throw you, but (hopefully) it's for the best and if you can just get past the part where it sucks beyond belief, in the end you'll be stronger, or at least wiser for it. I never really believed the whole "what does not kill me" thing, and I still think that sometimes you can grow just fine without pain, but I do think that I'm stronger than I was a year ago, and while I'd rather not have had to deal with breaking up with Holly and the enginee, I think I'm better for it in some ways.

I'm Mr. Brightside

Bitterness = bleaching hair. I don't know what color will happen next, but clearly whenever my life is crazy my scalp must suffer.

I've decided she did me a favor. Now I don't have to wonder how long it will take, and she's hurt and betrayed me enough that I won't look back. I could say I wasted my time, especially towards the end, but outside of the last 48 hours, which were pure suck, there was good up until the end. I did care about her a lot and I know she cared about me. I may have stayed too long and for the wrong reasons, but even then I was trying. I think we both were. At least now I know I did everything I could. I may have trouble believing that she did, but so be it. It's over and that's a good thing, even though it sucks. I can't say seeing her around won't suck and that house council won't be even worse than before, but it's hard to maintain a good solid anger at her. Although I may have done something similar to what she's done when Holly and I broke up, the similarities end there and I know that. I did not have a life with the engineer, and we couldn't have had one. I was looking for someone who wouldn't ask of me the things that Holly did, and I got her. I wasn't even really looking for a relationship. I got one anyway, and though things were hard for a good deal of it, there was a lot of good. The bottom line to take out of both is that if I'm hurting a lot over other things, that will affect any relationship I try to get into. We had a lot of fun, and even though I wasn't looking for it, we had love too. It wasn't the kind I ended up wanting and needing, but I had her for eight months and I'm glad I did. I may not feel that way in an hour, but I believe that when the dust settles I'll feel that way overall.

And there's no way this Valentine's Day can suck as much as last year's.