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So I saw Bear and HoneyLove on Sunday, directly before Holly got back from California. Bear and I made plans to have breakfast this morning, but because of sudden work-related obligations, we weren't able to do it. In order to get my Bear fix and procrastinate at the same time, I've been reading all of the archived episodes of Does it Quack. So I've been overdosing -- if that's even possible, which I don't think it could ever be -- on Bear's lovely and touching sililoquies on HoneyLove. It's heart warming, really. Even more so than seeing Sparky and TBH (who got her nickname from me, by the way) together. Now that's saying a lot. So anyway, Bear and HoneyLove have been married for a while now, and I love hearing about it, and hearing Bear call HoneyLove "my wife." I mean, it's the fairy tale and the bunnies and roses I've always wanted, and here's real-life proof that it can be mine. I already know that I can find someone for whom I care more than I ever thought humanly possible, and now I know that should we so choose, we could get married. Not in any legally significant kind of way, but that's not the primary reason I want it (although that would be beyond wonderful). I know that it happens, and it happens with people whose lives looks appealing to me. Uh-oh. Does this mean I have role models now?
I won't lie, and most of you won't be surprised when I say that I'm a die-hard romantic. I mean, yes, I'm also pragmatic (or try to be), but when it comes to my baby, I get downright goofy. She is so much to me, and I am grateful for every day she's in my life. I admit, I do think about marriage. I do want that, I always have, and as I get older it becomes less and less of a far-off-in-the-future kind of thing (funny how that works). I think about proposing, I think about where we would live, what our kid(s) would be like, I imagine spending not just the big moments, but the day to day with her. I also try to imagine life without her. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I know that it's likely (statistically, at least), that we won't stay together that long. I *know* it in my head, but my heart has no interest in listening.
Part of me is wondering if this is about the amount of change in my life this last year: My stepmother died; my cousing is very ill; my first serious boyfriend is getting married, as is my old friend; my step-dad's mom died, and my parents are going to be able (hopefully) to buy a house, which means leaving Chicago for NW indiana. My ex, by the way, is marrying the woman he started dating 6 months after we broke up -- when he was 20 and a sophomore at Amherst College. For the record. So yeah, do I want all of that because it's the very picture of the idyllic stability that I've always craved and for which I especially pine right now? Maybe. Except it's something I've always thought about. It's just that now, for the first time in years, I'm once again with someone with whom I can imagine spending the rest of my life. I mean, I'm a sentimental person, but I'm also stubborn and see the long view. The very long view. I don't usually like to get involved with people about whom I can't see myself getting serious. This isn't the first time I've thought this way, it's just the first time I've felt okay about thinking this way. I'm not planning on popping the question tonight, or even this year. It's just that I've known my intentions since before Holly and I started dating. I knew then that I wanted to marry her, and I still do. I still don't know if I will, but it's been discussed, and she didn't run screaming, so I'll take that as not a bad sign. I'll also take it as license to continue fantasizing about a little house with our own garden and a porch, and someone to drink my coffee with in the morning.
I won't lie, and most of you won't be surprised when I say that I'm a die-hard romantic. I mean, yes, I'm also pragmatic (or try to be), but when it comes to my baby, I get downright goofy. She is so much to me, and I am grateful for every day she's in my life. I admit, I do think about marriage. I do want that, I always have, and as I get older it becomes less and less of a far-off-in-the-future kind of thing (funny how that works). I think about proposing, I think about where we would live, what our kid(s) would be like, I imagine spending not just the big moments, but the day to day with her. I also try to imagine life without her. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I know that it's likely (statistically, at least), that we won't stay together that long. I *know* it in my head, but my heart has no interest in listening.
Part of me is wondering if this is about the amount of change in my life this last year: My stepmother died; my cousing is very ill; my first serious boyfriend is getting married, as is my old friend; my step-dad's mom died, and my parents are going to be able (hopefully) to buy a house, which means leaving Chicago for NW indiana. My ex, by the way, is marrying the woman he started dating 6 months after we broke up -- when he was 20 and a sophomore at Amherst College. For the record. So yeah, do I want all of that because it's the very picture of the idyllic stability that I've always craved and for which I especially pine right now? Maybe. Except it's something I've always thought about. It's just that now, for the first time in years, I'm once again with someone with whom I can imagine spending the rest of my life. I mean, I'm a sentimental person, but I'm also stubborn and see the long view. The very long view. I don't usually like to get involved with people about whom I can't see myself getting serious. This isn't the first time I've thought this way, it's just the first time I've felt okay about thinking this way. I'm not planning on popping the question tonight, or even this year. It's just that I've known my intentions since before Holly and I started dating. I knew then that I wanted to marry her, and I still do. I still don't know if I will, but it's been discussed, and she didn't run screaming, so I'll take that as not a bad sign. I'll also take it as license to continue fantasizing about a little house with our own garden and a porch, and someone to drink my coffee with in the morning.
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