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Ugh. I just ate. Now I feel sick. What. the. fuck. I'm so tired of that. Ugh I'm so tired. Ugh. Maybe I'll take a nap. Maybe I won't get up for a week. :-)
Work is really frustrating. In merging the data files a bunch of problems that I *already corrected* cropped up again, and I just don't want to deal with them *again.* I'm such an ass, because I *hate* working with people...I'd rather make the mistake myself. ::sigh::
I like having space, but I have too much or not enough. No privacy, but no intimacy. I keep feeling like I'll wake up and it'll be June and Boston, or that June will never come. I haven't made plans yet for True Spirit, I need to get on that. I really want to postpone all semi-long term plans for until after next week...I just want to enjoy it and perhaps affirm that this *is* my life, I *do* get the grand prize.
Ran into the teacher who is trying to get me tutoring. As I suspected he hasn't contacted the families in question, so I'm emailing him to remind him to do so tomorrow. House-sitting tonight and until Tuesday, then another job in December with the same family, and hopefully another one around New Year's for a co-worker downtown. Party Saturday. ::sigh:: need to figure out what to *wear*! I haven't done a real costume in years. Ran into a girl from my high school today on campus. She's a couple years older than me, and seems like she's cool. Also ran into the sweet goth/metal boy who is/was dating an old co-worker of mine. We talked for a while, it was very cool. We discussed the conundrum of "girl/boyfriend sounds odd and s.o. sucks" but without any real conclusions drawn. :-)
Listening to ani...it's been a while and it's okay again. :-) Saw an old almost-friend last weekend, and I just got a response to my email to her. I'm making her a copy of the lovely punk mix from Madame Holly and a mix of my oh-so-cool music, and we're gonna hang out when I'm back in town.
Ray and Sparky have both said they'd like to hang out, so I'm all excited about that, yay shopping for fishnet shirts! heehee.
My hair is turning hedge-hogish again, but not long enough for that flip in the front. I want it to grow the fuck out so that I stop feeling like *such* a baby-dyke. The rugby shirt isn't helping. Ugh. I'm working on getting out of the little-kid headspace, it's starting to really freak me out. Maybe that's why I smoke so much and do all the piercing and stretching etc. Lol. Affirmation that I'm at least legally an adult. I feel like I'm going through middle school all over again. It's so bizarre. I feel like I'm trying to jump from 13 to 20. I'm actually *acting* like an adult for the first time in a long time, after close to a year of being a kid. Joe--another symptom of abuse? I'm very happy in many ways, and...not content, but peaceful while pushing forward. At the same time I'm aware how much I'm shutting out. And I'm aware how much rage is simmering just under the surface. Thinking about how rarely I feel like being dominant at all is okay of late...am I scared of my own power? I was thinking about this when talking to someone about BDSM...how I used to honestly switch, and how I really enjoyed being dominant and asserting that...and that now it's not just a fear of not being able to be dominant, but also that I can't get to the right place without latching onto the rage. Is that it? I don't know.
This isn't to say that I'm unhappy with my life--finally it's showing signs of changing, and that's *because* of me. Yes, I've been offered things (like this job and tutoring), but I've *kept* the job, and I wouldn't have been offered tutoring without my working hard at it and really caring about it, and being effective back in high school. I feel more powerful-that helps in feeling like an adult-like a whole person. I have more perspective now, it's less day-to-day. I'm realizing that I *am* strong and smart and capable, and I need that. I also realize that it's only October and there's a lot left. I know that if I can do this, I can do Smith. I can kick some Smith ass!
::Cue clip from "Malcolm in the Middle"::
Reese: How's my paper? I reread it. There was even this paragraph that I thought really sucked and I went back and changed it. I've never done that before!
Malcolm: Reese, this is a "C" paper
Reese: What?
Malcolm: No, I mean it! This is seriously the best work I've seen you do!
Reese: Yeah! [to paper] I kicked your ass!!!!
::Cough:: Yeah, okay. I really love that show.
Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for caring. Or being so fucking bored that my life seems interesting. Either way. :-)
Work is really frustrating. In merging the data files a bunch of problems that I *already corrected* cropped up again, and I just don't want to deal with them *again.* I'm such an ass, because I *hate* working with people...I'd rather make the mistake myself. ::sigh::
I like having space, but I have too much or not enough. No privacy, but no intimacy. I keep feeling like I'll wake up and it'll be June and Boston, or that June will never come. I haven't made plans yet for True Spirit, I need to get on that. I really want to postpone all semi-long term plans for until after next week...I just want to enjoy it and perhaps affirm that this *is* my life, I *do* get the grand prize.
Ran into the teacher who is trying to get me tutoring. As I suspected he hasn't contacted the families in question, so I'm emailing him to remind him to do so tomorrow. House-sitting tonight and until Tuesday, then another job in December with the same family, and hopefully another one around New Year's for a co-worker downtown. Party Saturday. ::sigh:: need to figure out what to *wear*! I haven't done a real costume in years. Ran into a girl from my high school today on campus. She's a couple years older than me, and seems like she's cool. Also ran into the sweet goth/metal boy who is/was dating an old co-worker of mine. We talked for a while, it was very cool. We discussed the conundrum of "girl/boyfriend sounds odd and s.o. sucks" but without any real conclusions drawn. :-)
Listening to ani...it's been a while and it's okay again. :-) Saw an old almost-friend last weekend, and I just got a response to my email to her. I'm making her a copy of the lovely punk mix from Madame Holly and a mix of my oh-so-cool music, and we're gonna hang out when I'm back in town.
Ray and Sparky have both said they'd like to hang out, so I'm all excited about that, yay shopping for fishnet shirts! heehee.
My hair is turning hedge-hogish again, but not long enough for that flip in the front. I want it to grow the fuck out so that I stop feeling like *such* a baby-dyke. The rugby shirt isn't helping. Ugh. I'm working on getting out of the little-kid headspace, it's starting to really freak me out. Maybe that's why I smoke so much and do all the piercing and stretching etc. Lol. Affirmation that I'm at least legally an adult. I feel like I'm going through middle school all over again. It's so bizarre. I feel like I'm trying to jump from 13 to 20. I'm actually *acting* like an adult for the first time in a long time, after close to a year of being a kid. Joe--another symptom of abuse? I'm very happy in many ways, and...not content, but peaceful while pushing forward. At the same time I'm aware how much I'm shutting out. And I'm aware how much rage is simmering just under the surface. Thinking about how rarely I feel like being dominant at all is okay of late...am I scared of my own power? I was thinking about this when talking to someone about BDSM...how I used to honestly switch, and how I really enjoyed being dominant and asserting that...and that now it's not just a fear of not being able to be dominant, but also that I can't get to the right place without latching onto the rage. Is that it? I don't know.
This isn't to say that I'm unhappy with my life--finally it's showing signs of changing, and that's *because* of me. Yes, I've been offered things (like this job and tutoring), but I've *kept* the job, and I wouldn't have been offered tutoring without my working hard at it and really caring about it, and being effective back in high school. I feel more powerful-that helps in feeling like an adult-like a whole person. I have more perspective now, it's less day-to-day. I'm realizing that I *am* strong and smart and capable, and I need that. I also realize that it's only October and there's a lot left. I know that if I can do this, I can do Smith. I can kick some Smith ass!
::Cue clip from "Malcolm in the Middle"::
Reese: How's my paper? I reread it. There was even this paragraph that I thought really sucked and I went back and changed it. I've never done that before!
Malcolm: Reese, this is a "C" paper
Reese: What?
Malcolm: No, I mean it! This is seriously the best work I've seen you do!
Reese: Yeah! [to paper] I kicked your ass!!!!
::Cough:: Yeah, okay. I really love that show.
Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for caring. Or being so fucking bored that my life seems interesting. Either way. :-)
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